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Jokes - Part 1

Will be peridically posting up jokes that I get from various places so yup. It's for my own pleasure, so if you do not want to see it? Go away~

1. FITNESS PROGRAMME
   
   When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. You see,
   
   They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paper work, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck."
   


2. WHO SHOT THE BEAR?
   
   An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office.
   
   He says to the doctor, 'I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that?'
   
   The doctor thinks for a second and then says, 'Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?'
   
   The old man says, 'That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!'
   
   'EXACTLY' says the doctor.
   


3. WHAT'S IN A NAME?
   
   A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
   
   'Say, Mom,' he asked, 'why is my big brother named Mighty Storm'?'
   
   'Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.' she replied.
   
   'Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?'
   
   'Well,' his mother answered, 'Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.'
   
   'And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?'
   
   'We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived,' the mother replied.
   
   The mother then asked the boy, 'Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?'
   
   
4. Two Nuns
   
   There were two nuns…
   
   One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
   
   SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
   
   SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
   
   SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
   
   SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
   
   SM: It's not working.
   
   SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
   
   SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
   
   SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
   
   So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
   
   Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
   
   Then Sister Logical arrives.
   
   SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
   
   SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
   
   SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
   
   SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
   
   SM: And?
   
   SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
   
   SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
   
   SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
   
   SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
   
   SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
   
   SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
   
   SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
   
   And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!
   


5. GOOD LUCK, MR. GORDKY
   
   When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.
   
   Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
   
   However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
   
   This past Monday, June 27, 2005 at the University of Tampa in Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a student brought up the 36-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.
   
   Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball [with a friend] in the backyard. He hit a fly ball that landed in the yard in front of my neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at her husband, "You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
   
   At this remark, the audience - comprised primarily of college students - began laughing hysterically.
   


6. Marriage in Heaven


A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"

"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"


7. We will learn...
   
   
   A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
   
   She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
   
   He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
   
   So she consented, and they got married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, while they were lying by the pool, he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
   
   She said, "That was incredible!"
   
   He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
   
   So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
   
   He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
   
   "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
   


8. Obsessions
   
   Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
   
   ”You all have obsessions," he observed.
   
   To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
   
   He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
   
   He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
   
   At this point, the fourth mother got up, taking her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
   

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CREDITS:
Blogskin editted by Honey.
The foreground picture, Arcane Runes, belongs to Honey.
The pictures were made with brushes from Obisidian Dawn.