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BAH. Sick today. Feel terrible. Aches and chills throughout my whole body. Running nose never stops. Coughing continues. Fever seems to be escalating. Can't taste anything. Can't smell anything. Can't see properly at all. Does this mean that I am going to die? I hope so. I hope not. I don't even know what I want anymore. I want to die to end all the suffering. Not only physically, but mentally too. It hurts just to go on. Its like nothing is worth living for, and why am I still here. I suck at handling my homework. I suck at handling my relationships. I suck at life basically.

It seems that nothing is going right these days. Everything is just falling apart like half a year ago. Am I going to slip back into that period? *shudders* I am scared. Really frightened. Only a few people knows what happened then. Daryl Nii Chan, CeeCee, Alee, Matt Bro. *laughs* Not even Jasper, Hayate or YeeWai knew. Those three that I hold closer to my heart above all others. I do have to salute Daryl Nii and Matt Bro. They figured it out even before I did myself. It seems as though they really look out for me in their own way. CeeCee and Alee did suspect. Which is why they forced me to go look for Alee's Mum.

It did help me a lot. It really did. I really bucked up and stopped all those negativity. But then when things come back to this again, I really wish I could slip back into those times. The times of acting, and putting on a mask in front of others. Truth be told, people seldom see my true self. Not only because I am trying to hide myself. But I know. That if they see who I am for what I am, they would hate me. So because of that, I have learned to put on a mask to show others. Few people have seen the true me. And even fewer have had the chance to get to know the true me. There were random outburst and breakdowns and stuff where I really let it go, but those were seldom too. The last few would be with Katie and then even before that, with Rabit at the Cosfest Chalet, and at the same time with Kuroii at the chalet.

It would be so easy, to slip into the dark waters once more, and allow not myself but some one else for a change to face the outside world. Because of my childhood, of the way I was brought up, and the things that has happened to me, I have learned to build up my own surrounding walls, where I can retreat. I know, everyone has one of them. But what is special about mine? I have friends. You saw it correctly. I have friends. IMAGINARY FRIENDS IN MY IMAGINARY WORLD. I never realized that they were my other personalities. Not until Alee's Mum had told me. At first, I have screamed and ranted like a crazy woman, saying that she was lying. But she wasn't. Before I knew it, I had depression.

It was scary and frightening for me. People often say that I am as crazy as a circus clown at times and in others, as stable as a rock. I always though that I knew myself best. I know that I am not crazy. But I was wrong. I am the one that is crazy, that is nuts and that is going insane. Apparently my subconscious has know for a long time, but I always denied it. *laugh* Typical human behavior. Wanting to control everything and thinking that you are neither insane nor wrong.

My imaginary world was so full of life. Free of disasters, free of fights and strife. It was like Utopia. Maybe that is what made me retreat there so often. Free of all the worries of the world, being able to do anything and everything we want, I have created the perfect world in my own little head. Trying to escape the everyday monotonous and repetitive life that I lead, it was my heaven.

I always thought that god was fair and just, and that he always gives your trails and trabulations that he knows you can handle. But is my depression a sign that I can't handle it? Or is it a sign that I am trying to escape from reality? What does it really tell me? That I am not fit for his kingdom anymore?

So many things have happened in my life that I really question WHY. But the bible teaches us not to question the ways of God. So who are we supposed to depend on? Ourselves? Or Others? Or the Church? But I supposed that God really has his own plans for me. When I am depressed and down, he gave me the thing that I would need the most. FRIENDS. REAL LIFE LIVING BREATHING FRIENDS.

Be it the fact that I have been backstabbed, lied to, made use of, trampled on, etc, I still continue to believe in my friends. Family is no question. When something, happens they will be there for you. Even if I fight all the time with them, I know deep in my heart, they still love and care. Take yesterday for example. I was sick. But I didn't tell anyone. My sister came into my room, took one look at me, and yelled for my mum. I was grateful. I am a bitch to her all the time, I admit, but she would still help me in times like this. For that I am happy. My mum came in, and then started to fuss over me. Usually if I tell her I am sick, she would just ask me to take medicine. But I guess with the starting of school and stuff, she is worried. And my sis just got over a bad bout of gastric last week.

Back to friends. I really have to give thanks for this. Whenever I am at my worst, I have them to lean on. This is probably one of the few reasons why I still continue to live.

SJCC
You guys are the people that I see everyday. Even when there is CCA, or when there isn't. The clubroom is practically our second home. We spend all of our times there slacking. Whenever I need some company, I know that you guys will be in the clubroom and you guys would be with me. I am really happy that I had joined this CCA, where I have met all of you guys, even when there are some people that I don't like, but still, you guys are the best.

Yee Wai
God, how could I, someone who have so much sin, been given such a good and pure friend? I am thankful for this friend, as I know that he is there for me every week *laughs* Knowing each other for such a long time has only made us even closer. Instead of getting together as a couple (Which is harder than getting to the Sun and back in one piece) we became each other's best support. Well, at least I know he is. I know that I am not much of a support ><

Mimi
Twinnie <3 Thanks for being my first real life friend on SG Cafe. It meant alot to me. Through our shitstorms and whatnot, we have come to understand each other even better. Thanks for sticking with me through all the troubles.

Cosplay Kurabu
Although things are not working out as seemed right now, I still hope that we can stick together and be united as one. There might be troubles, but like someone told me before "We rather have quality over quantity." I had so much fun cosplaying with you guys around. It's so much fun to see all of us and to get to know you guys even deeper and outside of cosplay. I hope that this times would never end.
Special thanks to Kuroii, for being such a understanding and patient person to me. I really appericiate the times when you sat and listen to me rant. I know I am a childish person and can be a really bad bitch but thanks for the times you tolorated me and talked to me. They mean alot to me. You are like the big sister that I always wanted but never had.
And also to Gumok, you are like the big brother I guess *laughs* I really respect you alot, even if it's not that obvious ><

There is still so much people that I really want to thank, but I think I have to save it for another time. The medicine I took is kicking in and I need sleep asap. And let me use a phrase that I hadn't for a long time.

So For Now, Jya~

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CREDITS:
Blogskin editted by Honey.
The foreground picture, Arcane Runes, belongs to Honey.
The pictures were made with brushes from Obisidian Dawn.